Another coffee house post from Bad Ass Coffee...However, this time I had to reboot my PC to get it to connect to their WiFi: I hope Microsoft never makes car operating systems (of if they do, that I don't have to constantly re-boot my damn car to get it to run). So, my hope is that eventually I'll type a parable that helps me understand my erotic conundrum, but that is seeming to be excessively less likely (I'm not in the mood today, either!). 
I went to a winter solstice meditation event yesterday at Renew Yoga, it was really nice. Short, but nice (and I managed to meditate for a good, long time, instead of my usual "meditate at home" experience of 10 minutes of trying to get there and finally giving up). I am on my way to school, I just moved most of my dividend money from the cash account to my checking account (so that I can pay mortgages, etc ), and I am going to swing by Kaiser to see if I can get the paperwork started for me to get covered (and how much that costs) in case getting insurance through Val doesn't pan out, and when I get home I need to find my Redwood CU checks so that I can deposit money into BofA and pay the Amex bill (I keep charging tuition on Amex, it's the only thing I've been charging - now that I have no income, I'm trying to live on cash: it seems to keep me more in line than charging and just attempting to keep a running total of what I've charged each month in my head). There are family money troubles beyond my own period of extended unemployment, but I really have no resources to assist (for the first time in a long, long time). Gosh, this is hella bad as blogging goes - I don't think anyone will ever want to read this schlock. Maybe in 100000 years, some anthropologist/archeologist from another planet is find this and go, "Wow, no wonder they went extinct, they must have bored themselves to death". OK, I will try again later, but as my past post can attest, you may continue to be disappointed! Bye for now from Bad Ass Coffee in Sonoma county!


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Saw Divergent last night...I liked it: I can see how people considered it "Hunger Games revisited", but really it's a considerably different post-apocalyptic scenario. I won't go into any details of the review, although suffice it to say that its "Young Adult Themes" comes crashing through the narrative. Not that that's bad, but depending on the filmic treatment, it may be somewhat boring or hackneyed to older viewers. But as I said, I enjoyed it, and particularly found myself aligning with the core concept of "creative thinkers are dangerous to a highly structured and deeply controlling power structure". The amazing thing is that people are so enamored with structure, they often want to toss creatives under the bus (metaphorically and actually, in some cases). My mind set is different (but then I have seldom experienced the starvation and deprivation that true lack of structure can bring), so I will always opt for the protagonists in such a film (since the filmmakers, being creatives themselves, seldom throw the creative, divergent characters under the bus).
But what of my previous post, and my discussion of erotic attraction, its forms and its functions? I guess that I have to be in the right mind for that, although I've seen a couple of women in the last week that veritably took my breath away. Not that I showed that in any why - I seem to be on a truly protracted celibacy kick here, but at least it's nice to realize that I can still be affected by a beautiful woman. This may well end up being a double post day - I have a strong desire to talk more about erotic themes, and yet "not right at this moment", so with that, I'll jet off with the intention of picking this up later!



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It may be too late in the day for cogent thought, but perhaps I can get something out that will stimulate understandable writing in a day or two. What is muddled in my head is attraction, what is it made of (for me) and how different is it regarding different people. Well, for me it almost always involves women - I have seen a handful of men who had attractive qualities (to me), but those were always their effeminate qualities, which makes me think that my ability to be happily bisexual is severely limited.
Occasionally I'll see a woman who looks very attractive - typically in person, although occasionally in still or moving pictures. I am not sure what that means, because said attraction seems to be linked to my own personal state of being at that moment. What I mean by that is, a given picture of a woman may appear attractive to me one day, and not particularly attractive on another day. Aside from the question of how or why that happens, more importantly is the question, who cares (or, what does it mean, a similar question whether you believe it or not). What is even more interesting (or disturbing) is that I have similar experiences when interacting with live people. A friend or acquaintance will appear very attractive one time, and not nearly so another - I realize that this may be due to changes in both our states, but I wonder if it doesn't have considerably more to do with my state of mind than theirs. And state of mind is not even the correct concept: it's more like an emotional or spiritual state of being. And there is my dilemma. I do not see a fundamental difference between "a passing fancy" and a deep desire for a long term committed relationship, it's only a matter of degree. And I don't think that my "problem" is in any way unique to me. Both sides of every relationship must have a similar ebb and flow of desire, of that physical need to interact erotically. So what? Well, in a society that insists on sexual fidelity, this could be at best a perverse subordination of our natural selves, at worse a clear death knell for relationships as they are traditionally defined for our culture. Or, maybe it's why we have the culture that we really have under the surface, with lots of sex before marriage, lots of extramarital affairs, and a reasonable amount of divorce. Whereas if we were all a bit more reasonable about the relationship between sex, long term relationships, multiple partners, etc., we might all be a lot more happy. This from a guy whose two marriages ended because of issues around sexual fidelity. Also, from a guy who has yet to see his poly-amorous friends have a the straightforward healthy intimate relationships that their philosophy promises. And yet, what we have established as the status quo is so twisted and damaging, I really don't feel particularly compelled to help ensure its continued existence. But with all this said, it is really a side issue. Well, maybe not - because part of this discussion is to examine the interrelationship of erotic desire and long term stable relationships (if there actually is a connection).
OK, so the first key question that I want to examine (and probably in subsequent posts, since this one is already getting a bit wordy), what is the importance of an extremely highly charged erotic connection between two people? And what is the appropriate response when you realize that you have such a mutually felt connection (and perhaps some other time, how one-sided can such a connection be? Can one person be totally ga-ga over another with practically no reciprocal attraction what so ever: my guess on that would be HELL YES). But, some potential responses to a mutually shared extremely strong erotic connection with another person are:

• run like hell: feel the fear of such a viscerally palpable connection to another human being - I haven't employed this one just yet, but I certainly have been tempted
•  go all in: this was my approach with Eva, and while it was gloriously indulgent and by far the most intensely physically pleasurable experience so far, I remain confused
• take it slow: I tried this, after a fashion, with Kasia with somewhat mixed results. I guess it's not "over", although for all intents and purposes it's over unless something dramatic happens in the future. But I never really uncovered our connectability...

 I guess that there aren't really lots of ways to react once you realize you have met someone who has intense mutual erotic interest in you - but my current problem is determining if that connection exists before "committing". That is, before getting to the point in a relationship where you can't blithely walk away with no hard feelings, figure out if you could connect happily with someone. But that's the old "I can't use that power, it could destroy" ploy: you can't create without the power to destroy, you can't know if you can have a connection until you do have a connection.
I'm sorry for the wandering, fuzzy, tortuous path of this post, I am truly trying to get to something, but I don't know how to say it. Maybe I need to write some stories, explore these ideas in parable - I sure don't seem to be getting anywhere just laying out the "arguments" as I see them, it's just a huge, confusing mess. OK, so next time I'll do my best to write a story about some kind of erotic connection, and see if that gets me any clarity in my own thinking (unlike the above mess).

Long couple of days, but actually surprisingly productive: finished my "Christmas Letter", addressed all my Christmas cards and dropped them off at the post office, and even remembered to fillout and send in my grant application (for massage school money)! And today I had a full day of school with lectures in the morning and massage in the afternoon! Tomorrow is the Downton Abby exhibit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor with Debbie & Charlie and my Mom, then back home to finally do the homework that I haven't quite managed to do yet...I feel that I'm behind in Kinesiology which is bad because we're almost done with the Kinesiology classes, only 2 more and a review session to go! This is not good. But it is expected, I am admonished to trust the process, and I am trying to, but I am still getting quite worried about my potential performance in the exam (of course, I want to be perfect, like always).
Re-watching Casino Royale (the Daniel Craig version) - this is the first time since I've been in my current emotional state (kinda anti "falling in love"). Hmmm, I still have trouble watching or hearing about people falling in love. It's odd, because I know that I still can (thanks Eva), but I'm not at all sure that I want to. Love is so fickle. It's there, it's gone, it's back again, oh no, wait, not really - at least that's been my experience thus far. And that makes falling in love again a bit daunting. I mean, it's kind of silly to say "never again" since it does not appear to be within my power to fall in love or not fall in love - it just happens. And once I'm there, I want to stay there - but somehow I can't. I guess I really need to write a couple of these blog posts about love, my current lack of understanding, and ruminate about what the hell is really going on (in my head, if not in real life). 
First of all, it happens (love). It happens to me. It has happened a few times: certainly both wives, some girlfriends perhaps to a lesser extent, and then other women not at all. But until very recently, I didn't understand how complicated it all is. It is so easy to confuse attraction, lust, friendship, love: there is a tendency for me to have a bit of all those in my feelings for one individual, in different proportions, and in the past I didn't realize that. Not understanding what you're feeling definitely makes understanding what's going on when you "fall" for someone a potentially difficult experience. With the best of understanding, I still have no idea how long something will last (although I certainly know when I find someone who I want to be with for a long time - even if I can't make that happen). So what do I think is going on with me now? I have been unhappy with my celibate state, and yet completely unable or unwilling to develop a relationship that address that deficit. And I think it's unable - I've tried with at least a couple people, yet celibacy still embraces me. Maybe this is sufficient for tonight, but I would like to revisit this rambling bullshit in some subsequent posts: maybe I'll write something that actually makes sense and help myself figure out what I really think is going on...

 

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No, I'm not dead - but I'm nearly as good as from a blogging perspective. Almost 10 days without a peep. And why? Just because. And I have virtually nothing interesting to say today either! What if this was a syndicated column (no jokes about "who would publish that shit", please)? But it is raining (and has been for a couple days) and I am in Bad Ass Coffee (kind of vaguely similar to Kick Butt Coffee in Austin), so I feel that this might be my opportunity to have another blog post before my brain completely kicks off. 
So, what's been happening? Rain, school, Obamacare (which is more frustrating and useless than I had hoped), I really need to get all my ducks in a row: where is the money coming from, how will I arrange things so that I can do everything that needs doing (right now I'm getting fat as a pig due to insufficient exercise combined with inadequate self control in eating), I just keep doing stuff and don't spend enough time concentrating on really making sure that what I'm doing is something that is moving me forward in my goal to be who I believe that I should be. If your god never disagrees with you, maybe it's just an idealized version of yourself? This is what a preacher said, and I'm not at all sure what he's saying: I suppose that it is something along the lines of "I can show you how to act in the bible, act that way and you are following God's will" - but the bible is such an easily re-interpretable book, you can read in pretty much ANYTHING, which would mean, once again, your god isn't really disagreeing with you. Maybe he means, "If your god disagrees with me, you are wrong and are going to hell", somehow that seems like a more realistic thing for a preacher to say...Or is that unfair: it's certainly the kind of thing that I heard from preachers during my "more religeous" phase...
Anyway - rain on the west coast, snow on the east coast - texting with friends on my phone and road trip planning - this actually is how I want to live my life. Mabye I should go join a gym so that I can work out some. I wonder if I'll get access to any of Santa Rosa Jr College facilities because I'm volunteering to give massage in their Sports Medicine department? That would be pretty sweet. Is this any less rambling than all my other posts? I don't think so. What I really need to do is look at all these posts, glean what I need to to create my Christmas letter, get the damned thing printed out and mail off all those Christmas cards - it's fucking December 11 already, those cards need to go NOW!

Rain. That's all. Rain.
It's actually raining here in drought stricken California. I guess that may not seem like news to much of the world, but it's been eclipsing all other news out here in California.
Really.
In other news, Orion is undergoing a test launch (on a Delta IV, no less) tomorrow, weather permitting (good that they're not launching from California). It is great and really rather sad, simultaneously: great that NASA actually has managed to do much of anything given the current political climate and the fact that as an "older agency", much of it's energy is, by necessity, spent ensuring the maintenance of the status quo rather than moving rapidly to some new and fabulous venture. Sad in that the next launch isn't for years, and the first manned launch isn't until the mid-2020's. It's not like the Apollo days (despite the amazing similarities to the Apollo spacecraft - one could easily call Orion "Apollo 2.0"), which means the NASA plan to put people on Mars by the 2030's is extremely optimistic, at best. However, there is at least some movement, and I can say "I worked on Orion (because I did)", so all in all, not an entirely unappreciated moment.
But now, lunch, I think...
and scene. now it's after lunch...
Tea is good. If you like tea, go to http://ratetea.com/, the website created by Alex Zorach, originally because he searched for a website that rated tea, and that wasn't owned and operated by a tea providing company, and he couldn't find one (so he made one).
You, too, can create a website, app, or other internet based object which is in need of being created but which does not yet exist. If not for the rain, I might try to create just such a thing. Of course, I have created Bunnychronicles.tumblr.com, because there was no website chronicling the adventures of Bunny. But beyond that, I imagine that someone could create a site that many people wanted to visit (as opposed to those hallowed few that view my websites - if any), but them's the breaks. OK, outta here, sorry for the brevity, lack of continuity and severe lack of useful information, but there you have it, I told you not to read this!