Another coffee house post from Bad Ass Coffee...However, this time I had to reboot my PC to get it to connect to their WiFi: I hope Microsoft never makes car operating systems (of if they do, that I don't have to constantly re-boot my damn car to get it to run). So, my hope is that eventually I'll type a parable that helps me understand my erotic conundrum, but that is seeming to be excessively less likely (I'm not in the mood today, either!). 
I went to a winter solstice meditation event yesterday at Renew Yoga, it was really nice. Short, but nice (and I managed to meditate for a good, long time, instead of my usual "meditate at home" experience of 10 minutes of trying to get there and finally giving up). I am on my way to school, I just moved most of my dividend money from the cash account to my checking account (so that I can pay mortgages, etc ), and I am going to swing by Kaiser to see if I can get the paperwork started for me to get covered (and how much that costs) in case getting insurance through Val doesn't pan out, and when I get home I need to find my Redwood CU checks so that I can deposit money into BofA and pay the Amex bill (I keep charging tuition on Amex, it's the only thing I've been charging - now that I have no income, I'm trying to live on cash: it seems to keep me more in line than charging and just attempting to keep a running total of what I've charged each month in my head). There are family money troubles beyond my own period of extended unemployment, but I really have no resources to assist (for the first time in a long, long time). Gosh, this is hella bad as blogging goes - I don't think anyone will ever want to read this schlock. Maybe in 100000 years, some anthropologist/archeologist from another planet is find this and go, "Wow, no wonder they went extinct, they must have bored themselves to death". OK, I will try again later, but as my past post can attest, you may continue to be disappointed! Bye for now from Bad Ass Coffee in Sonoma county!


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Saw Divergent last night...I liked it: I can see how people considered it "Hunger Games revisited", but really it's a considerably different post-apocalyptic scenario. I won't go into any details of the review, although suffice it to say that its "Young Adult Themes" comes crashing through the narrative. Not that that's bad, but depending on the filmic treatment, it may be somewhat boring or hackneyed to older viewers. But as I said, I enjoyed it, and particularly found myself aligning with the core concept of "creative thinkers are dangerous to a highly structured and deeply controlling power structure". The amazing thing is that people are so enamored with structure, they often want to toss creatives under the bus (metaphorically and actually, in some cases). My mind set is different (but then I have seldom experienced the starvation and deprivation that true lack of structure can bring), so I will always opt for the protagonists in such a film (since the filmmakers, being creatives themselves, seldom throw the creative, divergent characters under the bus).
But what of my previous post, and my discussion of erotic attraction, its forms and its functions? I guess that I have to be in the right mind for that, although I've seen a couple of women in the last week that veritably took my breath away. Not that I showed that in any why - I seem to be on a truly protracted celibacy kick here, but at least it's nice to realize that I can still be affected by a beautiful woman. This may well end up being a double post day - I have a strong desire to talk more about erotic themes, and yet "not right at this moment", so with that, I'll jet off with the intention of picking this up later!



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It may be too late in the day for cogent thought, but perhaps I can get something out that will stimulate understandable writing in a day or two. What is muddled in my head is attraction, what is it made of (for me) and how different is it regarding different people. Well, for me it almost always involves women - I have seen a handful of men who had attractive qualities (to me), but those were always their effeminate qualities, which makes me think that my ability to be happily bisexual is severely limited.
Occasionally I'll see a woman who looks very attractive - typically in person, although occasionally in still or moving pictures. I am not sure what that means, because said attraction seems to be linked to my own personal state of being at that moment. What I mean by that is, a given picture of a woman may appear attractive to me one day, and not particularly attractive on another day. Aside from the question of how or why that happens, more importantly is the question, who cares (or, what does it mean, a similar question whether you believe it or not). What is even more interesting (or disturbing) is that I have similar experiences when interacting with live people. A friend or acquaintance will appear very attractive one time, and not nearly so another - I realize that this may be due to changes in both our states, but I wonder if it doesn't have considerably more to do with my state of mind than theirs. And state of mind is not even the correct concept: it's more like an emotional or spiritual state of being. And there is my dilemma. I do not see a fundamental difference between "a passing fancy" and a deep desire for a long term committed relationship, it's only a matter of degree. And I don't think that my "problem" is in any way unique to me. Both sides of every relationship must have a similar ebb and flow of desire, of that physical need to interact erotically. So what? Well, in a society that insists on sexual fidelity, this could be at best a perverse subordination of our natural selves, at worse a clear death knell for relationships as they are traditionally defined for our culture. Or, maybe it's why we have the culture that we really have under the surface, with lots of sex before marriage, lots of extramarital affairs, and a reasonable amount of divorce. Whereas if we were all a bit more reasonable about the relationship between sex, long term relationships, multiple partners, etc., we might all be a lot more happy. This from a guy whose two marriages ended because of issues around sexual fidelity. Also, from a guy who has yet to see his poly-amorous friends have a the straightforward healthy intimate relationships that their philosophy promises. And yet, what we have established as the status quo is so twisted and damaging, I really don't feel particularly compelled to help ensure its continued existence. But with all this said, it is really a side issue. Well, maybe not - because part of this discussion is to examine the interrelationship of erotic desire and long term stable relationships (if there actually is a connection).
OK, so the first key question that I want to examine (and probably in subsequent posts, since this one is already getting a bit wordy), what is the importance of an extremely highly charged erotic connection between two people? And what is the appropriate response when you realize that you have such a mutually felt connection (and perhaps some other time, how one-sided can such a connection be? Can one person be totally ga-ga over another with practically no reciprocal attraction what so ever: my guess on that would be HELL YES). But, some potential responses to a mutually shared extremely strong erotic connection with another person are:

• run like hell: feel the fear of such a viscerally palpable connection to another human being - I haven't employed this one just yet, but I certainly have been tempted
•  go all in: this was my approach with Eva, and while it was gloriously indulgent and by far the most intensely physically pleasurable experience so far, I remain confused
• take it slow: I tried this, after a fashion, with Kasia with somewhat mixed results. I guess it's not "over", although for all intents and purposes it's over unless something dramatic happens in the future. But I never really uncovered our connectability...

 I guess that there aren't really lots of ways to react once you realize you have met someone who has intense mutual erotic interest in you - but my current problem is determining if that connection exists before "committing". That is, before getting to the point in a relationship where you can't blithely walk away with no hard feelings, figure out if you could connect happily with someone. But that's the old "I can't use that power, it could destroy" ploy: you can't create without the power to destroy, you can't know if you can have a connection until you do have a connection.
I'm sorry for the wandering, fuzzy, tortuous path of this post, I am truly trying to get to something, but I don't know how to say it. Maybe I need to write some stories, explore these ideas in parable - I sure don't seem to be getting anywhere just laying out the "arguments" as I see them, it's just a huge, confusing mess. OK, so next time I'll do my best to write a story about some kind of erotic connection, and see if that gets me any clarity in my own thinking (unlike the above mess).

Long couple of days, but actually surprisingly productive: finished my "Christmas Letter", addressed all my Christmas cards and dropped them off at the post office, and even remembered to fillout and send in my grant application (for massage school money)! And today I had a full day of school with lectures in the morning and massage in the afternoon! Tomorrow is the Downton Abby exhibit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor with Debbie & Charlie and my Mom, then back home to finally do the homework that I haven't quite managed to do yet...I feel that I'm behind in Kinesiology which is bad because we're almost done with the Kinesiology classes, only 2 more and a review session to go! This is not good. But it is expected, I am admonished to trust the process, and I am trying to, but I am still getting quite worried about my potential performance in the exam (of course, I want to be perfect, like always).
Re-watching Casino Royale (the Daniel Craig version) - this is the first time since I've been in my current emotional state (kinda anti "falling in love"). Hmmm, I still have trouble watching or hearing about people falling in love. It's odd, because I know that I still can (thanks Eva), but I'm not at all sure that I want to. Love is so fickle. It's there, it's gone, it's back again, oh no, wait, not really - at least that's been my experience thus far. And that makes falling in love again a bit daunting. I mean, it's kind of silly to say "never again" since it does not appear to be within my power to fall in love or not fall in love - it just happens. And once I'm there, I want to stay there - but somehow I can't. I guess I really need to write a couple of these blog posts about love, my current lack of understanding, and ruminate about what the hell is really going on (in my head, if not in real life). 
First of all, it happens (love). It happens to me. It has happened a few times: certainly both wives, some girlfriends perhaps to a lesser extent, and then other women not at all. But until very recently, I didn't understand how complicated it all is. It is so easy to confuse attraction, lust, friendship, love: there is a tendency for me to have a bit of all those in my feelings for one individual, in different proportions, and in the past I didn't realize that. Not understanding what you're feeling definitely makes understanding what's going on when you "fall" for someone a potentially difficult experience. With the best of understanding, I still have no idea how long something will last (although I certainly know when I find someone who I want to be with for a long time - even if I can't make that happen). So what do I think is going on with me now? I have been unhappy with my celibate state, and yet completely unable or unwilling to develop a relationship that address that deficit. And I think it's unable - I've tried with at least a couple people, yet celibacy still embraces me. Maybe this is sufficient for tonight, but I would like to revisit this rambling bullshit in some subsequent posts: maybe I'll write something that actually makes sense and help myself figure out what I really think is going on...

 

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No, I'm not dead - but I'm nearly as good as from a blogging perspective. Almost 10 days without a peep. And why? Just because. And I have virtually nothing interesting to say today either! What if this was a syndicated column (no jokes about "who would publish that shit", please)? But it is raining (and has been for a couple days) and I am in Bad Ass Coffee (kind of vaguely similar to Kick Butt Coffee in Austin), so I feel that this might be my opportunity to have another blog post before my brain completely kicks off. 
So, what's been happening? Rain, school, Obamacare (which is more frustrating and useless than I had hoped), I really need to get all my ducks in a row: where is the money coming from, how will I arrange things so that I can do everything that needs doing (right now I'm getting fat as a pig due to insufficient exercise combined with inadequate self control in eating), I just keep doing stuff and don't spend enough time concentrating on really making sure that what I'm doing is something that is moving me forward in my goal to be who I believe that I should be. If your god never disagrees with you, maybe it's just an idealized version of yourself? This is what a preacher said, and I'm not at all sure what he's saying: I suppose that it is something along the lines of "I can show you how to act in the bible, act that way and you are following God's will" - but the bible is such an easily re-interpretable book, you can read in pretty much ANYTHING, which would mean, once again, your god isn't really disagreeing with you. Maybe he means, "If your god disagrees with me, you are wrong and are going to hell", somehow that seems like a more realistic thing for a preacher to say...Or is that unfair: it's certainly the kind of thing that I heard from preachers during my "more religeous" phase...
Anyway - rain on the west coast, snow on the east coast - texting with friends on my phone and road trip planning - this actually is how I want to live my life. Mabye I should go join a gym so that I can work out some. I wonder if I'll get access to any of Santa Rosa Jr College facilities because I'm volunteering to give massage in their Sports Medicine department? That would be pretty sweet. Is this any less rambling than all my other posts? I don't think so. What I really need to do is look at all these posts, glean what I need to to create my Christmas letter, get the damned thing printed out and mail off all those Christmas cards - it's fucking December 11 already, those cards need to go NOW!

Rain. That's all. Rain.
It's actually raining here in drought stricken California. I guess that may not seem like news to much of the world, but it's been eclipsing all other news out here in California.
Really.
In other news, Orion is undergoing a test launch (on a Delta IV, no less) tomorrow, weather permitting (good that they're not launching from California). It is great and really rather sad, simultaneously: great that NASA actually has managed to do much of anything given the current political climate and the fact that as an "older agency", much of it's energy is, by necessity, spent ensuring the maintenance of the status quo rather than moving rapidly to some new and fabulous venture. Sad in that the next launch isn't for years, and the first manned launch isn't until the mid-2020's. It's not like the Apollo days (despite the amazing similarities to the Apollo spacecraft - one could easily call Orion "Apollo 2.0"), which means the NASA plan to put people on Mars by the 2030's is extremely optimistic, at best. However, there is at least some movement, and I can say "I worked on Orion (because I did)", so all in all, not an entirely unappreciated moment.
But now, lunch, I think...
and scene. now it's after lunch...
Tea is good. If you like tea, go to http://ratetea.com/, the website created by Alex Zorach, originally because he searched for a website that rated tea, and that wasn't owned and operated by a tea providing company, and he couldn't find one (so he made one).
You, too, can create a website, app, or other internet based object which is in need of being created but which does not yet exist. If not for the rain, I might try to create just such a thing. Of course, I have created Bunnychronicles.tumblr.com, because there was no website chronicling the adventures of Bunny. But beyond that, I imagine that someone could create a site that many people wanted to visit (as opposed to those hallowed few that view my websites - if any), but them's the breaks. OK, outta here, sorry for the brevity, lack of continuity and severe lack of useful information, but there you have it, I told you not to read this!

Los Angles. Griffith Observatory. Zippy the Pin Head (by Bill Griffith, of course). These things are currently on my mind as I watch the Downton Abby four season retrospective - there is an exibhit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor with artifacts from Houghton Hall (where Dowton Abby is filmed), and I felt that I should know more about the show before going to the Museum. However, back to Zippy - as far as I know, the origin of the oft repeated phrase "Are we having fun, yet?", which eventually made it into a rather popular Nickleback song (How you remind me). I loved Griffith's Zippy character, his non sequiturs were inspiring and his blithe disregard for consequences (or even understanding that consequences might be forthcoming) so reminds me of how I often try to live (although never with the aplomb or inspiring success that Zippy could pull off). As I have aged, I have become slightly more aware of consequences, but luckily most consequences (if you're not too far afield) are people being unhappy with you, and that is mostly manageable. Although creating a relationship with my last girlfriend has lost me a couple of close friends, and I am unhappy with that outcome - although, perhaps, that will one day again be repaired. One of those many "time will tell" possibilities.
But watching Downton Abby and texting with friends has got me thinking about travel - places to go, things to see! I really want to go to India, both for the Holi festival and, almost more spectacularly, for Elephant Polo (http://www.elephantpolo.com/)! Oh to watch the elephants run and jump, or at least run! And their mallets have such amazingly long handles. There is Elephant Polo in Thailand - maybe I could do a massage internship in Thailand during Elephant Polo season (which is in August). Although that is summer in a very warm part of the world - hmm, but it would be so fun to watch (and photograph). Well, time will tell, I am sure. I am a mere two months into my massage training - I have 10 more months of basic training, then I'm hoping to take a couple months off to visit people, and then five more months for the advanced neuro-muscular program (if I can manage to keep doing this). Then a year or two of working, and then maybe Thailand - so I'm thinking 2018 at the earliest. Ah, plans, so unlike what actually unfolds as we live our lives. And where else is on that list? Morocco, for Marrakesh and Casablanca; Nepal for  Kathmandu to maybe improve my meditation techniques; Norway for scenery and relatives; Turkey for Istanbul; Australia for Perth and visiting Amanda (if she's still there); New Zealand for skiing (if they start getting snow again on South Island). so many places, I sure would like to be traveling a bit more. OK, this appears to be of adequate link: time for publication!

News, weather, penguins, ice. So many topics to write about. Maybe ice - of course we all know that alpine glaciers are in rapid retreat, pretty soon Glacier National Park may well be "Former Glacier" National Park. And Polar Bears will likely exist primarily in zoos (unless the alternate theory of the ice age is correct, and the melting Arctic Sea will cause the next great wave of continental glaciation in the Northern Hemisphere). If that occurs, there will be plenty of polar bears - although they may need to modify their diet: they mainly eat nice fat seals - I hope that Mall-fed Americans don't look too similar...
But there is also everything else that's going on - the Furegson inspired protests where people are chaining themselves to BART Cars at stations, and then creating a human chain (accompanied by a metal chain) out to a bench in the station, preventing the train from leaving (and taking shoppers to San Francisco), and the "not so crowded" Black Friday shopping experience, explained away by a combination of "Dark Thursday" shoppers and massive Internet shopping: but maybe the predictions are wrong and this isn't going to be a stellar Christmas season for retailers - I know that I don't plan to buy a whole shitload of stuff. It is now, of course, after Thanksgiving, so Christmas advertising is in full swing. Fitbit: that might be a fun tool - I certainly enjoyed my silly little computer pedometer. Maybe my lack of getting out and about could be nicely remedied by a little computer encouragement (I am such a geek). 
I am sorry that today's entry is rather wandering - I was listening to the original beat poem that inspired Kerouac to re-write "on the road" into more stream of consciousness form, and I thought "holy shit, that's like the crap that I write", so who knows, maybe I will write something that is likely to be read. But will I? I think that will require some flowery descriptions - the books sat two deep on the bowing shelves, packed almost tight enough to stand erect (as in a library), but books on the margins of the shelf leaned at oblique angles, spines of many colors, I wonder what more is there for me to discover there. The English channel, North Sea, Irish Sea, North Atlantic - maybe these are places that I need to explore. I loved Edinburgh, I wanted to visit Inverses (even more, now that I know that's where Karen Gillan is from), and I know that I can take the train from one to the other - although once I get into the Highlands, if I don't have a vehicle I may well be walking everywhere. I wonder what walking around the Highlands would be like - it's sounds pretty cool, altough possibly damp. I wonder if they like massage there in the Highlands, maybe I could trade room and board and directions for massages. Or maybe I'm just blathering insanely, as I am ought. Well, for now, I think it may be "post time", and tomorrow will be another day.

Thanksgiving morning, at least in the US. So what does one do? Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade - but it's become less of a parade, and more of group of snipetts of Broadway shows (currently Sting is singing and dancing with the cast of his new musical - it actually is pretty good). I guess the early stages of the parade are more "show" type acts, with the traditional giant ballons and marching bands and Santa Claus float bringing up the rear (one thing I'm not sure of is if the Broadway casts are walking all the way from Central Park, or if they just hang out down by Macy's and come on when it's their time in front of the camera).
The parade starts at 77th Street and 8th Avenue on the Upper West Side, and they march down to 59th Street, cross the bottom of Central Park, and then down 5th Avenue to 34th street, and back to Macy's at 7th Avenue & 34th Street (just past Broadway). They say it's 3 miles, and that seems about right. A massive celebration of...what? I'm not quite sure. I'm pretty sure that it started as a way to show off Macy's and sell stuff, and maybe that's what this parade and day are all about - stuff. Buying stuff (i.e., Dark Thursday and Black Friday), buying food, consuming food, consuming media (like this parade and all the football going on later).
Thanksgiving seems to have taken the media focus off Fuergeson, perhaps that is part of the point of our consumer focused society, to take everyone's mind off of social inequity by getting all of us (especially the more oppressed, who have more trouble keeping up with the Jones due to their reduced earning capabilities) to desire and buy as much as possible. Consumerism as subtle racism. An interesting concept - but probably not particularly useful.
It is time to start ripping up carpet and readying the subfloor to accept the new hardwood - all the crap from my room is spread throughout the house, and I need to get going in order to put everying back into my room by the end of the weekend - sometimes I'm not sure why I decide to do stuff (like buy a thousand piece shed that needs "some assembly" in order for my Mom to have somewhere to put outdoor storable objects - gosh that was a lot of trouble to assemble). Of course the floor is more "stuff", as is the shed, and the fact that we can move stuff into the shed means we could acquire yet more stuff for the freed up space (I'm kind of hoping that we are not going to do that). I have to go back to Philadelphia in a few weeks in a heroic attempt to get rid of stuff, and (if possible) move to a smaller storeroom. Then, next October, I want to take a nice long trip and close out that storeroom - which means getting rid of everything that I can bare to, and driving whatever remains back here. I don't mind having stuff back east, but if I'm not living there, it seems kind of pointless. Also, I would need to get a trailer hitch for the Subaru (which I actually would really like) and rent a Uhaul to get all those boxes back. It's a nice dream, although perhaps a pod-fire will eliminate all need to "get stuff" - ah, wishful thinking...

My first "coffee shop" post, across the street from a college (SRJC), maybe this really is the start of a new existence for me. A non-Philly way to live that is also decidedly non-old-time-CA (which I am actually trying hard to accomplish). My old-style CA existence was not nearly as much to my liking as my Philly way. I mean, things certainly are different this go around; I'm living in a situation that is far different from anything I've done since the early 1970's, I'm blogging for the first time ever, I'm back in school again, I just landed a fun gig massaging at Santa Rosa Junior College (albeit a volunteer position), and I'm in a coffee shop with $1 refills and jalapeno bagels with jalapeno cream cheese typing! It's magic! I was wandering around the college thinking, "maybe I could take one or two classes once I've finished with my massage school" - it's a neat college, I no longer need to worry about ever graduating (having done it 4 times already, if you count high school), it's like the ideal way for me to be in school! Plus I might be able to get contacts that could allow me to get an adjunct professor job (then I could insist on everyone calling me "Professor", just like on Gilligan's Island)...
OK, enough about me and my petty life. How I had wanted a grand life, but this seems to be what I have: grand in the small way - I affect a few people grandly, and I always thought that I'd affect many people grandly. I guess that's still possible if I ever write something worth reading (clearly not this blog), and only time will tell, since I have not yet done so. 
The news is, of course, all about how they are not inditing that cop in Ferguson, MO. I am amazed that anyone thought that he was going to get indited, but I guess hope springs eternal. However, I do not think crucifying one white cop who shot a black teenager is actually going to have a positive effect on race relations. What needs to happen, is the huge, disenfranchised population needs to become enfranchised, and the powers that be are working as hard as ever to prevent that. The only question is, will they yet again succeed in maintaining the status quo, or will something eventually happen to change stuff? There is not a lot of hope among the people of color who I know that things will be a-changing anytime soon - at least not without a full scale and rather bloody revolution. And currently, the powers that be seem to have everyone convinced that it would not be in their best interest to revolt. And maybe they're right. But as the marginalized population grows, and their marginalization becomes increasingly perverse, it may yet happen. I wish for a different outcome, but I don't see action in the circles of power working towards a non-violent solution to our social inequality. Come on, guys in power (and you few women, too) - see the world how it really is (not how you wish it were), and try to make it just a bit more equitable. really.

Mexico is the largest importer of heroin to the United States (although Afghanistan is still the largest supplier of heroin worldwide). Heroin addiction in the US is rising rapidly, with the conventional thinking being that this is because while doctors have been prescribing a lot of Oxycontin for pain in the last few years, the Federal Government has been cracking down on the misuse of this prescription painkiller, making the pills much harder to come by on the street. A typical Oxycontin dose costs $80, where the same high can be gotten from heron for closer to $20 (this is about 1/2 of what it was a few decades ago in 2014 dollars). These facts (along with 1/2 of the US States legalizing medical marahjuana) could be seen as an indictment of our current "war on drugs" policy, but since that ship was sunk several years ago, I won't bother going there (despite our continued spending in that realm, over $25 billion this year alone). With the Republicans sweeping into power, and their desire to legislate morality in certain areas (including which drugs Americans are allowed to become dependent on), I'm not optimistic about an end to such wasteful and pointless spending, but it's interesting to note it, anyhow.
Apparently we are sending more troops back into Iraq, and possibly Afghanistan, to help out with the current instabilities, although I heard that refugees are streaming from Pakistan INTO Afghanistan these days (who would have thought that Afghanistan would end up being the safe, stable spot in the Middle East, go figure). The world is a topsyturvey place these days, with no end in sight, and the strong likelihood of even weirder stuff in the very near future. Weather continues to be odd (although what is odd, the planet is over 4 billion years old, and we've been keeping track of weather for a few thousand, at most). It's hard to say exactly what "normal weather" is for this planet. We may know in a few million years (if we were to keep track for that long).
I went to the outskirts of Guerneville for breakfast yesterday (yummy chicken fried steak & eggs), it's a very retro-seedy kind of area. Land and houses are cheap (for California) and I kind of like it, although it's a good 1/2 hour off the beaten track, so getting to SF would be another 30 minutes and I know that no one there has any money to be massaged. So, what will I do? Probably stay here for now, since it's pleasant and thrifty, plus my Mom rather likes the company. OK, it is now time to go off to school, I hope that you all out there in the blog-o-sphere are well and happy!

Humans are designed to make quick decisions based on classifying stuff - that's a tiger - watch out, that's a bunny - yum, that's a potential mate - "how YOU doiinn?". Without this quick classificaiton, you're eaten, starved or fail to reproduce (which is life's highest desire for every sexually propagating species). But this ability to classify quickly has side effects, drawbacks - and it can be seen prominently in the cult of celebrity, where we classify mostly by looks:
Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Hugh Grant  - great looking British actors who know they are great looking! You can tell by their swagger that they know they can get away with nearly everything that they want. And it's true, because in our society, beauty (male or female) is strongly rewarded. It's actually both rewarded and reviled (at least in the US) - particularly for women, who are chided when they attempt to age gracefully or when they attempt to delay inevitable changes with plastic surgery. Men aren't vilified as egregiously for simply aging, but if they dare to date someone significantly younger than they are, or worse yet, marry them, no end of abuse will follow. Of course women aren't expected to date younger men at all, and if they do, they are even more vilified than older men. But while you are young and good looking, everything is golden. It's interesting, being smart is almost as good as being good looking, but the benefits start later. A good looking teen can see doors opening for them nearly as soon as they pass their 'tweens, while being smart seldom shows any benefits before college, and oftentimes not for several years after that (unless one has a truly astounding intellect). Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Warren Buffet: these guys (and sorry they're all guys, such is my memory at the moment) are all revered for what they accomplished through mental ability, either solely within their own minds or by using their minds to understand the vagaries of business or markets and thereby triumph over nearly all others. And interestingly, even though their intellects fade (just as looks do), they are not vilified for not being as smart as they used to be.
I, however, am in none of those camps. Not incredibly good looking, not incredibly intelligent or talented, almost just a regular guy. But a regular guy with a really odd talent to have the universe give me exactly what I need when I need it (although not always what I want). When I desired to get married and have a baby, I met my future wife, and we got married and had a baby. When I wanted to live on the east coast, I was laid off in California and offered a job in Pennsylvania. When I desired a massive change in what I was doing, I was laid off again, had no luck finding further work in that field, and discovered an opportunity to attend massage school back in California, helping my Mother after the death of my Father. I am not really sure what is next, but I'm pretty sure that something is, although quite honestly I don't know if I'll actually wake up on any given morning, I can feel my poor body reeling under it's current workload - I really need to do more to maintain and repair it. But this good fortune seems to come from my ability to genuinely enjoy people's company, almost any people, and that means that many people want to do things with me and like me, so I have tons of opportunities to do stuff. That is my "smarts" or "good looks", my desire to sit down and get to know every single person that I meet.

Well, it's late on a Friday night - I've competed my work study massage clinic shift, ate dinner at a Tibetan restaurant, gone swing dancing (Charleston lesson - I need to dance more, I get winded way too easy), put up the new hanging pot holder in the kitchen and now I'm getting ready for bed so that I can go back to school early in the morning for my first myofacial release therapy class and training massage clinic (ah, two clinics in a row, Friday and Saturday). So, today's blog is clearly all "diary", at least so far, but this is my life right now, so I have some trouble thinking about anything else.
This Thanksgiving is starting to look pretty interesting: No one I know is doing anything: Val and Chris are probably going to Wendy's & Robert's, Patty and Dan are going to Dans relatives, and my cousin Laura is probably just working (she usually works weekends), plus I'll be in the middle of ripping up the floor in my bedroom! I have hosted an "orphan" Thanksgiving for the last 5 years in Philly, but although I have enough friends here now to do something, my Mom's place is going to be too messy (with all the crap in my room moved into the living room), plus I won't really want to take a massive amount of time away from the day because I need to get my room put back together before Sunday. So it's going to be the most lackluster Thanksgiving for me in a long time. I wonder if that's OK with me? It is what I have planned - I have so little time off from school, and I actually wanted wood in my bedroom floor, so I guess I'm getting exactly what I want - but it's still kind of daunting. This break I'm putting in a floor, the next break (Christmas) I'm trying to take care of storage stuff in Philly (I still have some phone calls to make there), and the next break may well be graduation! I guess I'll have to rest as I go, somehow. Gosh, this is a bit of a whine-fest, sorry (or maybe not, since if you're reading this, it's at your own behest - I have not yet told anyone about this blog). Hopefully I'll have a bit more energy tomorrow, and be able to make this ol' blog a bit more entertaining...

Woo hoo, the shed is all ready to be moved - last step once it's in place is to put on the doors, there is a decent chance that I'll have it finished before the rains start tonight (if the rain actually starts - this is the fifth or sixth time they've predicted substantial rain, and there hasn't been even 1/2 inch, yet). No dreams about lawyering today, my massage friends will be happy. Charles Manson is slated to marry a 20something girl soon (he's 80), so I guess if I become an infamous murderer and cult leader, I could get young women to sleep with me for several decades, yet. Somehow I don't think it's worth it.

OK, that was 3 days ago (above), and I fell into a deep, inconsolable apathy. I didn't write anything - I did manage to do some homework, and Dan helped me move the shed (it is now finished and filling up with stuff - we got it moved into place about 3 hours before the rain started), but then I just lost all desire to write ANYTHING, even this normal stream of consciousness crap (that flows so effortlessly from my finger tips). I think that is at least in part because I started thinking about doing my Christmas Letter (I actually created the WORD doc, wooo!), and this last year has been such an astounding cluster-fuck of disaster which I haven't really yet processed emotionally that I just couldn't extricate myself from that morass of emotion for a while. I suppose that I need to write my fabled Christmas Letter "as is", and then try to jolly it up some (I don't want any of my friends shooting themselves after reading my jolly little missive, after all), maybe that will start me healing a bit (so far I have mostly been ignoring self-work in favor of building sheds and moving 3000 miles across the country and starting a new career via school and finding and making new friends and discovering local dance venues that I can enjoy). Maybe I haven't been doing nothing, although sometimes it feels that way. I'm sorry but you're likely to get a few more days of this dreary stuff (especially with Thanksgiving coming up and me not hosting a party, or even planning to cook anything). I will now "publish" this, more so that there isn't a huge week long gap, rather than because it's clear and insightful and pity (but feel free to disagree with me if you like). More soon, really!

This endeavor is interesting - writing "stuff", trying to be regular, wondering what will come of it. So far, not a whole lot - but this is me taking baby steps at writing. As many people say, what makes you a writer is writing (just like skiing makes you a skier) - but writing a blog is certainly not being much of a writer: at least not this blog. I'm enjoying the fact that I feel somewhat obligated to write daily, but at some point I'm going to need to write something other than my "whatever I'm thinking about right now" - like maybe a short story or something (don't worry, I'm not going to start right now). Today, I'm feeling relaxed, but I've been dreaming that I have decided (or applied) to law school. Everyone at massage school told me I shouldn't go, because they like me and don't want to hate the "lawyer me", but I'm wondering if I can't be the one lawyer who can get people to like me...But I'm a long way from law school - and is that something I actually want to do in my sixties? Who knows, I am a singularly peculiar individual, I a few years ago, I wasn't even thinking about massage and now I'm in massage school - I have no idea what will be next. I still want to teach skiing, and I'm still really enamored with my idea of working at a mountain spa where I do massage, teach skiing and teach yoga classes. That would be sweet. I also like the idea of volunteering as a massage therapist for the Olympics (especially the winter Olympics). I've called both Santa Rosa Junior college AND Sonoma State University, but neither athletic director has called me back. Wednesday is my "intro to sports massage" class, so that I can start volunteering for sporting events. There is an event in December that I can massage at - that should be really great. Hmm, today's entry seems to be phenomenally boring stuff that is just happening or in my mind - sorry if you've stumbled upon this: I am really just writing for me for the moment. You are welcome to read this, but I make no promise that it will have any redeeming social value.


dd

Pedrogas. That sad state between slack and emptiness, stale, impure, yet filled with an anxiety that few survive. I am there. I spent today building a metal shed, screwing in screws again and again; it reminded me of the erector set I had as a kid - so many screws, so many... Anyway, while the shed is not quite completed, I believe that it will survive a few days in it's current state, despite the warning in the instructions that it must be finished once the walls go up or it may be damaged by wind.
I was listening to Bobby Jindal (governor of Louisiana), as he was "interviewed" this morning (I would have called it more a game of "evading the questions"), but amongst all the rhetoric and evasion, he did admit to being against re-distribution of wealth in any form (including Obamacare, but also extending to really any taxation of those who have more in order to help those who have less). I keep hoping that logic will eventually prevail and all those non-0.01%ers will realize that having an essentially untaxed hyper-rich class is not actually doing them any good. But logic does not really seem to enter in to political decisions, at least for the bulk of the population. I suppose it doesn't really matter, but I do find it irritating when rich and hyper-rich people discuss lack of health care and homelessness as if they understand what it's like. Even if they rode from poverty to their high status, it's extremely difficult to "imagine back to one's former state" in order to really feel the fear and pain caused by poverty. And that makes it hard to really feel the need to change the world. Of course, exactly how to aid those in need is a viable debate. And I do understand that politically conservative theory is generally some kind of variant on, "let's not give the poor what they need and somehow they'll become dissatisfied enough to pull themselves up by their bootstraps" - but that seems to work as poorly as Johnson's War on Poverty did. Welfare, free or discounted housing, food stamps, WIC, those programs seem to institutionalize the state of being poor, rather than help people out of poverty. I have heard many people say "if you don't need to work in order to eat and have a home, why would people work?". Maybe many wouldn't - but would that be such a bad thing? What if we instituted some form of Basic Income, like they are planning to do in Switzerland, where being a citizen of a country means you are given enough each year to have a modest room to live in and sufficient food and medical care to stay healthy? If you wanted more - a guitar, or a bike or a car, you would have to find a way to earn additional income, but your basic needs would be fulfilled. Would this be the end of our civilization, with some tiny percentage of people working, and everyone else sitting at home napping? Perhaps. But the current system is so cruel, and so many people suffer under it, perhaps it's worth trying a potentially civilization shattering change in order to make the world (or at least this country) a better place.
I have heard that archaeologists have determined that contemporaneously with the formation of the very first city, the first homeless appeared. It seems that as soon as there is a society, an under-class immediately installs itself at the bottom. Perhaps there is no hope for the downtrodden, maybe all the conservative pundits are correct, and we should just let poor people be poor. Certainly being rich doesn't appear to make one any happier. But being poor kind of sucks, too. Perhaps the best path is to not worry about rich or poor, but to find another way to be.

Good movie, bad movie: just try to define it. It's like obscenity, "I won't further try to define it, but I know it when I see it", paraphrased from Justice Potter Stewart (1964)  - most movie goers know when they've seen a good movie, so why does anybody make bad movies? I've heard a lot of explanations of why, ranging from "the public is stupid" explanation (which I guess is saying that the movie is actually good, but no one can see it but the guys who made the movie), to "when you work on a movie long enough you can no longer tell if it's good or not". Certainly the first explanation is unlikely: it seems like a rationalization to justify having made a less than stellar film. However, the second explanation isn't really much more than that, either - really, you can't tell? Certainly there are often extenuating circumstances, basically the "too big to fail" movie, where someone has spent so much money on the movie that the HAVE to release it, no matter how bad they worry it might be, and there is the "he made us hit movies before, it's got to be good despite all evidence to the contrary" (I heard that "John Carter" was in this category). And of course, it's tough to make a "hit' movie, even if you do make a good movie - Doug Liman's recent "Edge of Tomorrow" (Tom Cruise / Emily Blunt) was a really fun SciFi film that pretty much everyone I know enjoyed, yet it did poorly at the box office. Who knows why (although the ridiculously lack luster title may have assisted, along with a confusing ad campaign). I'm currently re-watching the 2005 Fantastic 4 movie, one which I was totally prepared to enjoy originally, but which sadly lacked any real punch. Origin stories are often disappointing, I think because you have to do a whole series of movies worth of exposition, plus when it's a "let's watch our super powers develop" kind of thing (like in Fantastic 4) you see the same powers over and over again, just slightly more developed each time (Reed's stretchiness, Dr. Doom's weird metallic electrical effects, etc.). And then there were the silly cheap shots, like having the Invisible Girl re-appearing in public after shedding most of her clothes so that she can "disappear" (and then trying to cover herself with her arms as she accidentally becomes visible again). Yes, Jessica Alba looks nice with her clothes off, but is this a girly film or a superhero movie? And Johnny Storm's ill conceived antics did not endear that character to me - I was kind of rooting for him to get the stuffing whacked out of him. I would dearly love to work on a movie one day, but that dream seems to get further away every day. If I ever do, I hope is a good one. Nuff said (since I'm watching a Marvel movie).

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I am feeling rather uninspired today - I'll try to keep this brief so that it doesn't get too boring. I am very interested in "comparing notes" with my friend who is currently working on her D.O. degree (Doctor of Osteopathy) to see what she thinks of the massage I'm learning (since her degree, while allowing her full MD privileges, also has a component of manipulation in it). I would love to do what she's doing, but I have neither the money nor the desire to work quite as hard as she is in school (I'm enjoying the slightly leisurely pace of my current schooling). I am still reeling from all the change that has occurred for me in the last year, and I really can use a few months of concentrated but not overwhelming study.
Last night I went to 9:20 Special (the only San Francisco swing dance that I can easily get to, since it's on a Thursday), and it's left me a bit tired (I'm still not up to going weekly), but it was really neat to remember what it was like to sweat at a dance (I don't usually get tired out at my Friday night dance here in Santa Rosa). I guess I'll have to dance a bit more, my body really misses it (and probably other bits of me too, I seem to be in a better mood today). I took the beginning lesson with my friend Wendy (who rode into the city with me), and I'm thinking maybe I could keep bringing other friends to 9:20 special with me in order to inspire me to attend (Wendy said once was enough for her - while she liked the dancing, going all the way to San Francisco on a weeknight is too much for her).
Hmm, long enough? Boring enough? Maybe I should just let this go for today, and move on to bigger and better blog posts when I'm really feeling it. So happy that I do not have a massive following, and I apologize to those few readers who have found my site and have chosen to read today's blog. Better things to come!

Dreams - When I remember them, they seem to be trying to "tell me something", as if my brain, in doing it's nightly sorting and culling (or whatever it's doing while I sleep) has pulled out some bits of thought (typically not memories) and brought them to my attention so that when I wake, I will have a chance to ponder them more fully. I do not believe that dreams are prescient, giving us a view of our near future, but sometimes they have enough inappropriate emotional content that I wonder what is going on. In this particular dream (yes, I am telling you my dream, I'll try to not make it too damned boring), I was in the house that I lived in while I went to high school, and my sister had recently left, but called to tell me how things were going. However, I couldn't find a phone (only multiple answering machines with no way to "pick up"), and I became more and more frantic to talk with her (for no apparent "reason"), until finally I woke up, all in a tizzy because I hadn't been able to talk with my sister. This seemed very odd, given our current relationship (not a lot of talking these days, although always friendly), so I have no idea what it means.
In actual news (not my dream news), we homo sapiens have "landed" a probe on a comet (there being so little gravitational attraction between the lander and the comet that it seems to keep floating off), and one of the key scientists involved (Matt Taylor, who is getting a lot of press) appears to be wearing a Hawaiian shirt that was designed by the advertising team of Heavy Metal. This includes multiple renditions of scantily clad women in seductive poses. There seems to be an increasing backlash to his dress and his demeanor (which includes calling the comet sexy but not easy), and a lot of my women scientists friends decrying his blatant sexism, but so far it hasn't garnered a response (if the guy has even noticed the bad press). I sort of understand how someone can be misogynistic, or racist, or in anyway hateful of a group "different" from themselves, but the level of self-hatred and active denial of what is really going on inside of a person to engender such behavior is, I must admit, a bit of a mystery to me. Perhaps if I had been raised in an environment where hating others, particularly others simply because they were different from me, was a common place activity (the powers that be instructing me that hating them would make me feel better about myself) maybe then I'd understand. But every time I am confronted with someone who I want to blame for something, my next thought is "what's going on in me that I want to assign blame, or try to control or demean this person?", which pretty much takes all the joy out of hating them. I feel sorry for people who don't realize that they are injuring others by their behavior (and, inadvertently injuring themselves), and who hate in a vain and pointless effort to feel better (kind of like having a war for peace), but the worst part is changing such individuals is by no means easy, and needs to be done on a one-on-one basis (as far as I can tell). Sadly, learning to hate seems to be more conducive to group activity, which means one individual can easily spread hate and violence through many people, but the opposite is far less true. At least so far: maybe someone will figure out how to even the tables between love and hate someday.

A friend postulated a novel thought today - what if we are the first species in the Universe to develop intelligence, the Ancient Ones that all future beings will know from legend, for good or ill? In many Science Fiction stories there are references to ancient civilizations, either brilliant engineers who colonized the known galaxies or stunted fools who fouled their planets and extinguished themselves long before they should have due to their own arrogance. It's a daunting thought that we might be "the first", but it seems pretty unlikely we'll be the last. And if we keep up our present attitude and actions, it also seems pretty clear that we'll end up as the cautionary tale for future races: the example of how to squander one's advantages rather than capitalize on them (despite our dominant culture of capitalism). But I digress, and in a fairly depressing and disappointing way. I mean, really, what does it matter? I'm alive now, I won't be alive all too soon, and there is virtually no chance that I will see the end of my planet, much less the end of my species - I mean, not to sound selfish, but I'll be long dead before the human population is likely to be faced with immanent extinction. I want to affect the course of my species, but I am really very unsure how I might effectively do that.
However, while we might not extinguish the planet anytime soon, we may all be in imminent danger of freezing - it's well below zero in Denver, freezing rain in Portland, Oregon, there are blizzard warnings for the western Columbia River gorge, and most of the center of this continent will be experiencing deep winter conditions for the remainder of November! I wish it would snow here, it's still not really acting very wintery in Northern California (with only one Tahoe ski resort open - and they made most of their snow).
OK, it is now time for me to build some more of the garden shed: I was hoping to get it finished before the weather really changed, but they are predicting rain today, and it may be raining again towards the end of the week, so it's time I get to it!!

It is Tuesday - for the last few weeks, that has meant "Selfie" in the evenings on TV. Now, you might well ask; why am I watching a lack luster broadcast sitcom in this day of 500 cable channels, Netflix and YouTube - but there is an explanation: Karen Gillan. I have had a crush on her "Amy Pond" character since she first appeared on Dr. Who, and I have dutifully attempted to see Ms Gillan in other roles, just because. I have yet to be disappointed (her performance as Nebula in Guardians of the Galaxy was extremely entertaining), and the fact that she landed the lead in a US Broadcast sitcom just made it that much easier to keep following her acting choices. I have read that Selfie has not been renewed after the initial 13 episodes (and it's even unclear if they'll broadcast all that they have), which is too bad, it was definitely improving as the characters were able to flesh themselves out over the past few weeks. But it isn't great - not by any means: it is a weak homage to My Fair Lady, with Ms Gillan's character named Eliza and the plots revolving around her "Mr Higgins" (played quite nicely by John Cho) tutoring her in proper behavior in Corporate America (her character's default behavior seems to be a supremely self absorbed woman who has difficulty understanding concepts like "helping someone out") . I think that the producers are trying to make her character somewhat "corporate inappropriate" by dressing Eliza in very short shorts, revealing tops or short skirts, but I think she just looks stylish and cute (her remarkably long legs seem to suffer such costumes rather well). Probably the most disconcerting part (for me) is her remarkable American Accent (I have to admit that I much prefer her Inverness accent, which was in full force at the Con I attended). I have (so far) been unsuccessful in viewing any of her other endeavors, such as the American film Occulus or her British films or other British TV work - apparently the powers that be do not feel the same as I do about her, not making any of her other work easily accessible in this country.
I had the unmitigated pleasure of actually "meeting" her, twice, at the Philly Wizard Con earlier this year (by buying a "Karen Gillan Experience VIP Ticket" for more than I care to admit). I chatted with her for at least 10 seconds at her autograph table and then again when Bunny and I got our picture taken with her in our unbelievably fast Photo Session. I also attend her Guardians of the Galaxy Panel at the Con (this was before the film's release), and I must say that her public persona is as happy and bubbly as any actor I have ever had the pleasure to see - I don't know what she's really like, of course, but I was very taken with her: she looked into everyone's eyes at both the Photo Booth and the Autograph table, greeting them and appearing quite pleased to make their acquaintance. I'll always wonder what it would be like to get to know her.

I am still in the mountains, getting ready to head back to Wine Country (where I currently live) and I'm wondering yet more about differences of how people see the world, and how much conflict those differences actually causes (I'm leaning towards "all of it").
I heard a story about John Dillinger (the famous criminal from the 1930's) who was making out with his girlfriend when a cop came up and interrupted them (not sure why, I think they were somewhere that this activity seemed inappropriate to the cop), and Dillinger shot the cop and went back to making out with his girlfriend. Dillinger's attitude and behavior was based on his (admittedly) skewed world view that he was doing something important, and this guy was inappropriately interrupting him and needed to be stopped permanently and quickly. The cop's view (while he was still alive) was that his job was to make sure the populace behaved within the confines of the law (and possibly moral decadency), and he rightly should stop the couple slogging away on the park bench (or wherever they were). Also, the cop figured that two people making out probably was not a danger to him; bad call in this case.
But all conflict seems to arise from people taking different views, and then almost deliberately not taking their "opponent's" point of view into consideration. Now, you might say, what about Hitler invading Poland? Would it not have been better to step in and prevent Hitler from annexing lands near Germany, willy nilly, until World War II broiled into full fury? Sure, and yet Hitler (and apparently a good segment of the German population) felt that invading Poland was the right thing to do. And Poland's government and populace was opposed to invasion (as far as I know). Neither wanted to take the others view, both had to fight in order to protect their own view - this just seems messy and very possibly unnecessary. I'm not a historian, but I do see that, at least in most ways, this fits my original postulate above.
Perhaps the problem with this explanation of conflict has more to do with the fact that some views are more widely held than others. I'm sure that most rapists and murderers feel that their heinous act, as they commit it, is necessary, if not appropriate, yet pretty much EVERYBODY ELSE (including, of course, their victim) is quite sure that it is neither necessary nor appropriate. I'm honestly not sure where I'm going with this, but I feel like it's important. Perhaps not a solution to conflict, but at least some insight into how it operates. Or maybe this is just common knowledge and I'm wasting your time, gentle reader (if you even exist). I 'll sit here and think for a bit, and if I come up with additional insight, I will let you know (right now I feel that there is a crumb of explanation that I am omitting, and in omitting it I am confusing the issue rather than splaying it open for all to understand...)

I write to you from the mountains of Northern California - Applegate to be precise. I am visiting friends, which is always a good thing, but this is particularly relaxing since it's in the high foothills outside of Auburn. There is a train line across the small valley, and a couple of slow freights made their way up the mountain last night as I was falling asleep. I used to stop here regularly when I taught skiing (I would come for dinner on my way back to the San Francisco Bay Area and wait out "ski traffic" for a couple hours each Sunday night after teaching Saturday and Sunday) - I hope to have that same schedule again: possibly next winter (we'll see - this winter is consumed with massage school and helping my Mom fix up her house to be the way she wants it).
This seems much more diary-like than my past political posts - maybe that's a bad thing, but it is what you're getting today. Up here in the mountains politics seems much less important; as I sit here listening to classical music and looking out on the oaks and firs and pines... But I suppose that politics are as important as ever, since all this that I am gleefully experiencing could easily be taken away by a "bad government".
I was in the shower this morning thinking that everyone wants the same thing, a world that they understand and which seems coherent to their metaphysical beliefs. So those who believe that moral turpitude is an abomination to God expect someone to act as a moral guide, and if necessary a moral policeman, to keep the populace on the straight and narrow. And those who believe that behavior is behavior, and good and bad are judgements that edge closer to irrelevant than important do not want those moral police "infringing on their freedoms". With such wide divisions in belief, it really is pretty surprising that we haven't all killed one another already - perhaps that in itself is reason to hope.

"Monsanto, the Google of the food world" - these words came to me as I read an AP story about how not even Oregon, that bastion of all that's wholesome and natural, can pass GMO labeling regulations (in fact, this is the fourth time it's been defeated there). It's clear that Monsanto has the world's farmers by the balls (figuratively for any women farmers out there), and their "sterile seed" program forces all farmers to buy new seed every year (and is supported by appropriate legislation). Is it bad that there is reptile DNA in our corn? Hard to say, and what is "bad", I suppose. Will corn mutate into giant corn shaped lizards that roam the earth, devouring all in sight? I think Monsanto would say no, but decades of bad SciFi movies differ! The argument seems to have been "don't burden our farmers with additional regulation", which sounds good (as is probably true - I'm sure "proving" that you have no GMO in your stuff isn't trivial), but maybe we could just have the farmers admit whether or not they buy crap from Monsanto (of course, Monsanto might have something to say about that). But really, I think it is a Google question: it's not whether we want Google as our Overlord or not, that fight is over, it's whether or not Google will be a Benevolent Overlord or not - and even that we have no control over. So, Monsanto, are you going to be a Benevolent Overlord, or are you going to grind us all into the dirt? I guess only time will tell, you have had the upper hand for so long now, there really is no hope in changing your Overlord status...

OK, now I really want to discuss something, my reader stats:

Entry	Pageviews
United States	24
Germany	12
Spain	2
Hungary	2

Who are these people? I mean, I know that the whole point of this thing is that anyone (and everyone) can read it, but I quite honestly have told NO ONE about it. I guess people actually do search on S-E-X or something, since my first couple of posts had those letters in that order, and I also made this a "over 18" blog, but that's mainly so that I can practice my swearing. But Hungary? Spain? At least I actually know people in German (although I don't think any of them are reading my blog). Who are these people (if you get back on my blog, please feel free to leave a quick comment). And 24 pageviews in the US? I know that there are 300 some million people here, but are there really that many bored saps out there that anyone is reading this? Perhaps it's just bots searching the blog-o-sphere... Ah, to be young (or old) and idle again. I mean, I am a bit idle now, what with going to massage school and all, but I don't troll the internet for new blogs ever. However, many of the US hits apparently may be from Alaska, which makes more sense, since it's starting to get cold and dark up there, so staying inside and looking for something good to read seems like a reasonable pastime (not that they have necessarily found it in my blog). Sadly, I haven't had a shower in two days, so I really need to go now (my head is starting to itch) - perhaps I'll get something more entertaining written later (although don't count on it), hope you all, whoever you are, were mildly amused by what you have read to date...

Today I am still thinking along political lines, sorry... I was chatting with Val in the car (she has views similar to mine, that the rich are doing their best to get "all the things" at the expense of the non-rich, and the non-rich are helping by voting the rich into office), but she is so passionate about it that she gets all riled up when she talks (unlike me, as I am apparently so jaded at this point that I just figure that this is the way of things, and my goal is to do my best to NOT end up living in a cardboard box by the side of the interstate). Perhaps that is selfish of me, I often feel that saving myself and my friends and family is not enough, that I should figure out how to make the world a better place, more equitable, and save it all - or at least more than the few dozen people that I actually know. However, I have never felt comfortable doing things that would affect the world at large, that isn't how I see myself being valuable - living my life as I should: I remember going to a protest march in the early 1970's - it was long, and boring, and not very uplifting and ultimately, to me, quite pointless. I don't even remember what it was that we were protesting. And I have read about men like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and even Martin Luther, and I think "Crap, I'm not those guys, and I don't want to be". I guess for the short term, I'll just keep blathering in this blog and see if I can get some of my thoughts a little more cogent. But really, I want to... affect stuff? No that's not quite right. I know that ultimately there is no reality other than now - no legacy: the universe will end, one way or another, and only our interactions while we're here interacting really mean much. Or anything. Doing what we are here for, each of us as an individual, figuring out for ourselves what that is and actually going for that one thing. But I've been wondering my whole life, and I thought I had found it in Philly - dancing and many, many friends - but now I'm here, in a way starting over, in a way not. So strange, so familiar. But what is next...

Crazy - no TV, it's just after 10:00 AM, and I'm actually sitting here typing! Just like a real writer! Well, perhaps not, but I can dream.
It's kind of nice to be just here, sitting, blissfully ignorant of the world around me - just a small, sunny back yard in view, and a post-election haze settling about town. Most political races have been decided, although several close races are still being counted, but the overwhelming message is "Republicans in, Democrats out". However, my take is this has more to do with nothing getting done in Congress, rather than a new ideological bent in the country. So, what do Republicans stand for (in my mind)? Well, at least since the time of Ronnie, "less government", except if that means less control over the morals of the populace. I guess "less government" for conservative means less social programs, things like no more Welfare, no Medicare, no Social Security, no Food Stamps, no WIC monies, no Drug Treatment Programs (other than long term incarceration), no subsidized education (especially higher education), no more Unemployment Insurance, no more free entrance to Federally Held Commodities (like National Forests, National Parks, The Smithsonian, etc.). But it seems to mean LOTS of money to additional boarder patrol personnel, construction of massive (and expensive) fences at the Mexican Boarder, money to fight "the War on Drugs", money to protect the unborn from abortion and potential birth control interfering with sex always meaning pregnancy, money for prisons for all those reprobates who stole stuff because their Welfare and Food Stamps were revoked after not being able to afford school in order to move into a new social strata via education. Money for police, and the military and TSA to keep our planes from being used as weapons against us.
And then there is the question of infrastructure: the Interstate Highway System, Air Traffic Control System, Rail Lines: I'm not sure where conservatives stand on these issues - each definitely costs money, but is it better to maintain them, or to allow them to slowly disintegrate into disrepair, drastically reducing the population's mobility? I just drove out here from Pennsylvania, and I can say that currently the Interstate Highway System really rocks - I love it! But perhaps this should not be a public endeavor, and all roads should be toll roads, and the Air Traffic Control System should be privatized, along with the NTSB, FDA, EPA - all those federal insurgencies which "protect" us from something - massive piles of radioactive waste sitting in vacant lots, burning one's trash to keep warm in the winter fouling the air with toxic chemicals, massive drug "experiments" where new drugs are just sold at corner stores and the side effect and drug effectivity data are collected anecdotally as people show up at emergency rooms; perhaps that is a better way to go.
I guess the liberal argument is, if we give poor people some level of support, not only is that a "kind" thing to do (widely disputed by conservatives, I know), but it should, in the long term, reduce costs for prisons and drug treatment programs. And having free higher education would allow those disadvantaged peoples who wished to attempt to change their lot in life via education to actually go for it, possibly becoming contributing members of society. But the fundamental disagreement seems to be around the work ethic: is it possible to help people by giving them things (free education, free food, free places to live), or does the giving of things wreck them as human beings? Is it that lack of having to struggle, tooth and claw, for every scrap of food or stitch of clothing, what makes people "lay-abouts" or "reprobates"? You know, I honestly don't know. I do know that sitting on my ass is easier than getting up and going for "it" whatever "it" is. But doing that for my whole life? I don't actually want to do that. I wonder if other people do. And if they do, is that really a problem? I see a lot of anger among people who do work for a living towards those who they see "not working for what they get": those on welfare or food stamps or whatever. But if a society is rich enough that some portion of the population doesn't have to work, is it really necessary to try to make them work? Perhaps it is. Maybe idle hands are the Devils play things. How the hell do you find out? I grew up in a time when higher education was essentially free in this country ($200 a year for full tuition at a State University): and yet, in those days (1970's), there was still tons of crime, squalor, homelessness, inequity. And despite aggressive affirmative action programs, many of those who lived with the crime and squalor were those same groups who traditionally have been disadvantaged in this country (i.e., not highly educated white folk), just like now: when an education means a lifetime of debt. So, apparently, free education (a liberal concept, to be sure) was not the be-all and end-all of bringing the traditionally disadvantaged into the upper middle class. Then what is the correct course? Remove all social safety nets? Institute all social safety nets? Create a system of "Basic Income" whereby every man, woman and child receives an annual payment from the government, just for being a citizen, in order to offset the massive job losses that are now on the horizon as robotics and artificial intelligence take over most "unskilled" jobs? Or just practice massive "population culling", reducing the world human population back to a manageable 200 to 300 million? Of course, culling probably won't be up to us to decide, a single comet or virus could easily manage it - so for the things that we are willing to do (assuming that elimination of 95% of the population is NOT one of those) - which path is going to work? Or is there anything we can do besides steel ourselves from the inevitable fall of civilization (such as it is)? This and more, in future blogs...

Post WWII America and "Seduction of the Innocent" by Frederic Wertham - that dark time in Comicbookdom when America turned away from the comic book, it became the pariah of the publishing industry, and to be known as a comic book author or artists was the lowest form of life (at least to hear Stan Lee talking about it).
It is interesting that people keep looking for "what is corrupting our youth" in what they are reading, who they are talking to, what bad influences that are acting upon them; when it is, after all, society at large that is causing the youth of the world to despair and take up any manner of "bad behavior". It's sort of disheartening to think that the culture that you are an integral part of is ripping the souls out of impressionable youth, and those youth are doing everything they can to hold onto their souls, even if it means twisting them horrifically. What kids need is a Walkabout or a Vision Quest: and we give them TV and soccer Moms...There are so many with opinions about what we need to do in order to make the world a better place, but so few who seem worth following. Well, this seems a bit morose - perhaps I should change topics.
We are slowly preparing the house for the advent of parrot time: Martini is slated to move here within the next few weeks (before December). It will be really nice to hang out with the parrot more, I do love him (and clearly it's mutual) - I hope that my Mom adjusts to Martini being here OK. But having a parrot kissing and cluking around the house again will be a welcome respite from no parrot, I should say!

Well, this is mighty discouraging - 3 days? or is it 4? Thank god I haven't given anyone the URL yet. I am again trying to decide what will actually get written in here. I need to comment on something, such as the silly "Plastic surgeon" advertisement they are running during the Avengers (a bunch of older women with very taught face skin saying how confident they are now), which should expose at least a little of my own view of the world. But really, that view is what I would like to get out - along with the things that I don't understand, like how does erotic attraction figure in to the scheme of things: I have only had a strong erotic attraction to two women so far in my life, and neither of those relationships "worked out", at least not according to my definition of going on for as long as I wanted them to - and the relationships that did more or less run their course: what of them? Is eroticism something to seek out, or something to avoid? Or is it just something that sometimes exists, sort of a "pleasant to have" when in a primary partnership (or a hookup)? I am so confused by what is important to me. And by extension, what I think must be important in general for everyone. If that's really true, that if it's important to me, it should be important to anyone else (or everyone else). Maybe that's my real mistake, to think that anything I figure out for myself applies to anyone else - maybe each and every one of us needs to develop our own individual philosophy about what kinds of relationships are worth pursuing, and what components those relationships should be imbued with...Well, time to post this or it will be tomorrow!

Well, today I get to be a technological genius (relatively speaking) by helping my 80something mother learn how to use her new iPhone 5C! I do not look forward to being baffled by technological changes in my near future (which I am afraid we all must face at some point as our brains slow and technology inevitable speeds up), but for  now it's the bees knees and I'm omniscient.
Oh crap, it's already 3:30, I wanted to leave early for dancing, and I need a nap something fierce (having slept like a slug covered in salt last night: well, maybe not quite that bad, but  you know). I re-read my comments from my massage practical exam, and it makes more sense now (I was sorely disappointment at the time), but I think there may yet be some hope for me learning to be a decent massage therapist.
As everyone in the country seems to know, it's the massive Giants victory parade in San Francisco today (they just won the World Series), plus it will be Halloween in San Francisco, plus there is a Critical mass Bike event, so I'm staying the hell away from San Francisco today. My sleep deprivation problem is that I got up early today to go to yoga in Petaluma with Wendy (and meet some keen older dudes, like me, who also do yoga) after not sleeping at all well last night, then I'm going dancing tonight, then up early tomorrow for massage class, then dinner with Wendy (it's her birthday, and she invited me along with all the other classmates), then driving to San Francisco for the bi-weekly (semi-weekly? crap, whatever: every two weeks) Fusion dance in the Mission, then down to San Jose after the dance to crash at the condo, then up for breakfast with Val & Kyle (I think), then who knows (maybe Ken, maybe not), then Balboa at 3:00 PM Sunday, and heading back up to Windsor Sunday after dinner (around 7:30 or so), arriving by 10:00 PM, at which point I expect that I'll collapse in bed...Also, I have a big anatomy test to study for on Monday in school - so I hope that I sleep better Sunday night than I did last night! OK, I have now wasted sufficient time that it is once again time to go do something, this time it is GO DANCE!!

hmmm. So, I missed a day in my blog, and my last "entry", which I actually did start yesterday was just a timeline of what I'd done that day, which is not so much an actual blog as just a on-line dumping ground for my brain (plus I passed out on the couch before getting to the proof reading phase). If I were a MUCH more fascinating person, that might make a suitable blog, but until my life is a keen as Hank's on Californication, I think I'd better find somewhat more entertaining topics. I heard that they caught the guy in Pennsylvania that is accused of shooting some state troopers, I remember when I was driving out to CA last month I was kind of paranoid as I drove across PA because he was on the loose (and had just recently been accused of the shootings). I hope they got the right guy, I figure he's going down at this point. I was a bit surprised that he was not killed while being taken into custody: I guess I'm more jaded than I need to be.
I'm glad I haven't ever been in a position where it seemed like a good idea to shoot anyone - I don't think I'd be very good at running and hiding out in the wilderness. In fact, I don't think I'd even try wilderness, it seems far to easy to find someone: Hong Kong, Beijing, Shanghai - although I'd stand out there...New York seems too obvious (plus people know me there, I'd need to wear disguises). As I said, luckily I am not in a position that I need to worry about this.
I was telling my classmates that I function best on excessive exercise, but I keep arranging my life so that I don't get it. I got almost none today. Tomorrow will have dancing and yoga, Saturday will have massage and dancing (if I make it to SF), and Sunday will have a couple hours of Balboa, so hopefully I'll end up with some the next few days. But not the 8-10 hours that my body seems to find ideal: at least until it breaks (like in Summer Field). But now I know better how to deal with broken body parts, so maybe...we'll just have to see, I guess.
Baby rhinos are pretty cute - there is a FaceBook video of a baby rhino playing with a baby goat (and trying to act all goat and hoppy like). But I suspect that baby rhinos turn into big rhinos, and a big rhino jumping about like a baby goat would just be kind of terrifying...OK, time to check the post for grammar and whatever else (clearly not content), tomorrow I am hoping for something just a bit more witty (or at least pithy)!

Gosh, 10:13 PM already - so sorry. I know that this isn't a diary, per-say, but today was kinda full of "stuff" - up at 7:00 to practice massage, a 2 1/2 hour drive down to Palo Alto to collect my Mom from my sister and all three of us attending a meeting with my Mom's financial adviser, then further south to San Jose to meet Kyle and Val for dinner (at the Old Spaghetti Factory), then another 2 1/2 hour drive back up to Windsor. Then, I must admit, I watched "Agents of Shield" on TV, and now it's after 10:00 and I'm fucking exhausted and realizing that I hadn't written anything for my blog today. Pooh.
My poor sister is having more medical problems: it seems that she's had WAY more than her share of troubles, it really doesn't seem fair. There's not much to do yet, she's having more tests done, but she has really thrown everything into caring for my Dad (now deceased) and my Mom over the last year or so, which for her means really not being able to care sufficiently for her own health, and now her body is letting her know how big a mistake that is. I hope that my own time here is less damaging on me (since I react super differently to stress than my sister, I am hopeful, but I suppose time will tell). I did manage to get a Bunny picture at Old Spaghetti Factory, which I have yet to post on the internet (I thought that this was more important, both because it's harder and because I really am trying to blog regularly), but soon, very soon, that picture will go up!
Tomorrow is my Shiatsu sequence practical exam, I'm not super nervous, but I am somewhat concerned that I will miss some piece (I've been missing one piece, then another, each time I do the exam). I'll try practicing more with writing out the sequence, and I'll use numbers to try and affect other parts of my brain to help remember, too - I think if I can use multiple bits: kinesthetic, linguistic and mathematical parts, I have a better chance of remember it all! I'll let you know how it turns out (even though this is NOT technically a diary or journal - but the outcome will undoubtedly affect my mood, and that will effect what I write).

Sober quidvilaquist
never laughing
always packing
and now
he sees
the end

Hmm, how odd, a poem, of sorts. OK, since you'll never know what I'll write, I guess poetry is fair game. See you tomorrow (I hope)

rice, Chinese left-overs and the American Civil War: exactly how will these disparate concepts be reconciled? Well, rice and Chinese left-overs really don't need a lot of reconciling, since they go together nicely. And the massive China Town in San Francisco was already well established by the 1860's, due primarily to the transcontinental railroad construction from the Pacific to Promontory Point in Utah, which relied heavily on Chinese laborers. However, beyond that my knowledge of the American Civil War is sadly lacking. I know that it was when photography came into it's own (thanks to Mathew Brady and many lessor know photographers recording that grim war), and it was around this time that war changed from a noble endeavor to an industial horror precipitated in part by the invention of such devices as the Gatling Gun, Ironclad ships and chain-linked cannon balls designed to rip trough enemy soldiers like a hot knife through butter. But I doubt that the majority of either North or South were eating much Chinese food...
It's nice to know that I won't be confined to a hospital just for arriving from West Africa in New York City, although they are advising me to keep out of the subways and clubs - not sure I'm willing to do that. But then I have never been in West Africa, so it's not really an issue for me. And without chocolate, none of us will live to see tomorrow. That's what the headline says, anyways. Although the article below somewhat dilutes who exactly "none of us" includes and implies that tomorrow is 10,000 years in the future, so maybe chocolate isn't quite as important as the headline implies. I believe that sulfur is an essential nutrient to keep my knees fucntioning correctly, and my belief is strongly supported by anecdotal evidence only observed on myself by myself: I have used Glucosamine Sulfate and other Gulcosamine admixtures (condrotin, HCL, etc.) and only the sulfate concoction seems to help my knees (as does excessive egg consumption: sulfur in the yolks, don't ya know), so now I only buy Glucosamine Sulfate - but this is pure belief, unsupported by any legitimate tests. And I thought that I was less easily influenced by hearsay than that. Guess I'll need to keep an eye on myself: I'm not too worried about the Glucosamine Sulfate purchases (at worst, it's a harmless placebo), but if I can "fool myself" in this way when it comes to nutritional supplements, I can also be "fooled" in other more dire circumstances. Yes, beware.

Riding bikes through New England with Dostoyevsky on a rainy Sunday. Are you allowed to bike on Sunday in New England? Bunny has several "in advance" neck-tie shots for OcTieBer (I was running out so I borrowed some from Dan!), and I think that I am now set through the end of the month. I seem to be avoiding doing schoolwork by doing my blog - perhaps the only reason that I deliberately make myself busy is so that I can actually do something (since I am attempting to avoid something else)...yeah, I think that's it.
So, I am thinking a lot about the future, which doesn't exactly make sense, but I am doing it anyway. I am thinking about my trip out to PA, maybe a quick train trip to New York City - but there is so much to do here, first! It's kind of weird, I am settling in here, and yet I know it's really quite temporary - but what is permanent? I'll be dead before too long (certainly in a blink by geologic time), but I honestly don't know at all what I'm doing once I complete my schooling - it's very tempting to just stay here, work some at some local spas, not worry about much in life for a while. But I'd also like to live in Philly again, reconnect with my friends there, and I'd like to live in Paris, or maybe southern France, and do massage and really learn how to speak French. But I want to teach skiing, and do some fun high tech stuff, and write a book, and maybe even make this blog a bit better. Maybe a lot better. Is that even possible? It would probably help if I'd quit watching TV while trying to write it. OK, tomorrow, I'll do some in the morning and NOT use popular media to distract myself while writing. Let's see if I really do it...

It's Saturday night after a long, exciting and somewhat exhausting day of massage school (8:15 AM to 5:45 PM), I am home and have eaten dinner and am watching Dr. Who (Season 8, episode 10) - now you might well wonder about me writing while watching TV, but that is what you're getting. They have oyster cards on Dr Who, just like in Boston (although I think they're call Charlie Cards in Boston) for the underground, but sadly London has been overgrown by a massive forest, so they're having trouble getting around. Saturdays are particularly difficult for blogging - I basically get up slightly earlier than usual, do classes all day and then come home and want to veg-out: this is not a recipe for giving you, the valued reader, the best of blog entries. However, I really believe that doing this every day that I possibly can is important, so this is what I am doing.
In my school, we start doing clinic in a very few weeks, and that is both frightening and exciting: my first paying massage clients! I hope that it goes well, I'm a bit apprehensive, but I feel that the school is doing an excellent job preparing us, which is pretty reassuring.
I got to use my tiny air compressor to help pump up a classmate's car tire after class today (Janessa): it was fun although not too exciting. I seldom get to use the pump, so it was nice to check and make sure it still works. 
Wow, and I thought yesterday's blog was boring. Let's see - there is stuff that I don't mind writing here, and other stuff that probably isn't particularly appropriate and right now the only junk in my mind is drivel and inappropriate shit. I do want to talk about what is needed, what organizational stuff still needs to happen: I need to clear out a bunch of old clothes so that there is room for some of my stuff in the closet, I need to build the shed out back, move some garage things into the shed, and then figure out what furniture I actually need in my room. I also need to find a doctor, both a GP for an annual and an ophthalmologist, I need to find a moving company to take a couple pieces of furniture from Pennsylvania to me here in Windsor. I need to call the Professional Ski Instructors Association and move my membership out here to the Western Region - and I need to establish a real routine, it has been far, far too long since I have had anything resembling routine. I need my bicycle fixed so that regular exercise becomes part of that routine, and of course I need to start my Work Study, since that will be a regular part of my life for the next year (as I am finishing up my CMT work and getting certified as a massage therapist).
What else should I tell you, "before you know the future, first learn about your past" - dialog from the second Percy Jackson movie. Not bad, but sometimes the colloquial language almost interferes with the magical and mythical themes of the film, and yet that is really the point. But the dialog still works better than Twilight (which was also on TV and I again attempted to watch, but after 2 minutes I had to change the channel: I guess I'm not a 13 year old girl...). OK, time to stop - Twilight references are just too much!