Long couple of days, but actually surprisingly productive: finished my "Christmas Letter", addressed all my Christmas cards and dropped them off at the post office, and even remembered to fillout and send in my grant application (for massage school money)! And today I had a full day of school with lectures in the morning and massage in the afternoon! Tomorrow is the Downton Abby exhibit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor with Debbie & Charlie and my Mom, then back home to finally do the homework that I haven't quite managed to do yet...I feel that I'm behind in Kinesiology which is bad because we're almost done with the Kinesiology classes, only 2 more and a review session to go! This is not good. But it is expected, I am admonished to trust the process, and I am trying to, but I am still getting quite worried about my potential performance in the exam (of course, I want to be perfect, like always).
Re-watching Casino Royale (the Daniel Craig version) - this is the first time since I've been in my current emotional state (kinda anti "falling in love"). Hmmm, I still have trouble watching or hearing about people falling in love. It's odd, because I know that I still can (thanks Eva), but I'm not at all sure that I want to. Love is so fickle. It's there, it's gone, it's back again, oh no, wait, not really - at least that's been my experience thus far. And that makes falling in love again a bit daunting. I mean, it's kind of silly to say "never again" since it does not appear to be within my power to fall in love or not fall in love - it just happens. And once I'm there, I want to stay there - but somehow I can't. I guess I really need to write a couple of these blog posts about love, my current lack of understanding, and ruminate about what the hell is really going on (in my head, if not in real life). 
First of all, it happens (love). It happens to me. It has happened a few times: certainly both wives, some girlfriends perhaps to a lesser extent, and then other women not at all. But until very recently, I didn't understand how complicated it all is. It is so easy to confuse attraction, lust, friendship, love: there is a tendency for me to have a bit of all those in my feelings for one individual, in different proportions, and in the past I didn't realize that. Not understanding what you're feeling definitely makes understanding what's going on when you "fall" for someone a potentially difficult experience. With the best of understanding, I still have no idea how long something will last (although I certainly know when I find someone who I want to be with for a long time - even if I can't make that happen). So what do I think is going on with me now? I have been unhappy with my celibate state, and yet completely unable or unwilling to develop a relationship that address that deficit. And I think it's unable - I've tried with at least a couple people, yet celibacy still embraces me. Maybe this is sufficient for tonight, but I would like to revisit this rambling bullshit in some subsequent posts: maybe I'll write something that actually makes sense and help myself figure out what I really think is going on...

 

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